Downgraded or dissolved: What to do when you break-up with your friends

Friendships are a core part of who we are – so what happens to us when they end?

In the spring of 2019, I had my first friendship breakup. It ended with a bitter argument, tears, frustration, and we haven't spoken since. For a long time I grieved the loss of that friendship, of her being in my life. Even now, over five years later, I occasionally find myself dreaming about her and often wonder if we will ever re-connect. However, I have also made peace with the ambiguity – it was a great friendship for the time it lasted.

Coincidentally, my first romantic relationship came to an end just five months later. I found it much easier to speak about – years of music, films and books on heartbreak had prepared me well. Since then, I've found that the dissolution of a friendship is less commonly discussed than the end of a romantic relationship.

Because friendship breakups are generally less talked about, people may feel unsure about how to handle them or the powerful emotions that come with them, Vieth suggests. "There's a very clear societal script for how to break up with a romantic partner," she says. "But there are no normative scripts on how to go about ending a friendship."

As children, our primary source of support comes from our parents. But as we get older, especially as we enter adolescence, we start to spend significantly more time with peers, placing a higher priority on social acceptance and social standing, says Kaitlin Flannery, an associate professor in psychology at State University of New York College, Cortland. "There's a different bond that we have with friends, they help us shape our identity throughout our life. We use our friends as sort of a mirror and a guide."

Vieth points out that in its initial stages, friendship is built on similarity and proximity.

"We're social creatures. We want acceptance," says Flannery. "We want validation from not only our family, but our same-age peers. And so that's where friendships start to really become these essential sources of social support, but also fun and companionship."

"I think it's important to recognise that friendship dissolutions are part of life and are very natural," says Vieth. "It's not about the number of friends you have – it's about the closeness and the responsiveness of those friends."

Gender also influences what we expect from our friendships – and why they may end.

So, should you hold on to old friends, trusting that you'll eventually become close again?

Consciously ending a friendship can however create another tricky challenge: how to let go of a friend, without hurting them.

Vieth suggests another and perhaps better path forward: learning about what it takes to maintain and improve a friendship – and how to deal with conflict and confrontation.

"I think that a lot of people have a mindset that they're willing to work through conflict in romantic relationships, because that's something that we all acknowledge is inevitable," she says.

But when it comes to friendship, we may just expect things to work out naturally, and give up if they don't: "I know a lot of people look at [their] friends, and they think these are the relationships that should be easy and bring a lot of joy, fun and laughter into my life," she says. "And that's certainly true, but maybe leads to the idea that sometimes conflict isn't worthwhile [working through]."

That means that for a big part of our life, friends may provide the stability and support that was previously provided by marriage.

In romantic relationships, it's not uncommon for couples to break up, and then later, after some reflection, get back together. Is that something we should consider with our ex-friends, too – a reconciliation, and second try? Again, it depends on the nature of the friendship, says Flannery.

"I think that there are going to be different situations when that friendship heals versus other times, when maybe it’s better to just let that dissolution take place," says Flannery. "And again, it may depend on: do you feel relieved that the friendship is over? Was that friendship adding positive benefits to your life? If you still feel like you really miss them, maybe it is worth repairing."